Been feeling so disconnected from everything for a while. Have lost track of time even; don't exactly know what I mean when I say 'a while'. Months, weeks, days, hours have slipped away in the hourglass of my life just like that. I avoid looking at any sort of almanac at any cost at all times; the pain of reality is too real and too deep. Frankly, it's been two years now. Two years of freedom. Of wasted freedom. I could have done something. Could have fixed myself, although I don't think you can just 'fix' yourself. Oh, but I could have tried at least! Oh well, let it be. It's in the past and I've promised myself not to look behind.
I'm trying, I think. But I'm just trying instead trying my best. It's just that this is not what I want. This world. All of this. I'm disappointed. Feel like I've spent the last few years stuck in a different time, perhaps even a different world. Like I don't belong here. It might be that my head is far too high up the heights. And I might've read about too many beautiful places I'll never set my foot upon. Maybe that has left me bitter. Maybe I'm bitter also for the fact that I'm never going to live in a villa by the sea and surrounded by mountains and vast forests. Or at least a villa. I'm angry that the reality is that... that I'll most likely never afford to live in any place other than a small rental room in one these disgusting yellow bricked box apartments that dot the suburbans throughout the entire country. And maybe that is why I don't want to try. Because I don't want a future that is everything I never wanted. Maybe... ohmaybeohmaybeohmaybe...
Forgive me... for everything. For I have nothing to offer but this bit of outpouring written early in the morning.
