2/16/12

I don’t understand this ever-changing course of my feelings. You know, I’m happy but then suddenly I’m sad and mad and disappointed and then I’m happy again or feel at least content but don’t quite know what to name that feeling and then the ice beneath me cracks and shatters and I fall straight ahead into the depths of icy water and suddenly feel nothing, nothing; and then all over again starting from happy and so on and so on. But. I don’t think I need to understand. Don’t think I ought to know the secrets of my feelings and thoughts, my head, my heart. In fact I’m happiest when I’m blissfully unaware of well, everything there is to me; when I’m finally not absorbed in myself but quite in something else. I’m happy now and I don’t quite know why or how but I’m happy. I just know one thing and that is that the less I’m absorbed in my feelings, my thoughts, my past, my memories, my, my, my - when it’s less about those things and more about my wants I’m happy. It doesn’t need to be wholly away from me, of course, there’s no need to escape yourself - but like I said it shouldn’t be all about me and my core. Balance, I say, is the key to everything.

3 comments:

  1. noneFebruary 16, 2012 at 3:07 PM

    I smiled and became very happy when I saw that you had posted. I can totally relate to these thoughts you're having... My moods, too, tend to fluctuate & I often don't understand them.

    But yes, like you, I'm coming to realize that being too introspective, constantly tuning into my emotions all the times makes me nearly drown in them. So I've found that focusing my attention outward brings a certain quiet joy even when the inside of me may be feeling sad or in pain.

    That's why I've been getting back into painting and drawing. It helps me to forget myself for awhile, to allow the subject of my art (and not just my interpretation of it) to illumine me. And even when I pray, I've been trying to focus on the love of Jesus and not so much on all my worries. "Thy will be done," has been the prayer of my heart.

    I'm glad to see this wisdom springing up within you... And I wish you much joy in being illumined by the things you love :) <3

    "To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be enlightened by all things."
    ~Dogen

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  2. AnonymousFebruary 16, 2012 at 4:29 PM

    I understand this so deeply, dear, it's as if you were in my head when writing it. Utterly beautiful, as you always are. xxx

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  3. MeleeFebruary 16, 2012 at 10:47 PM

    I am right with you! I got so sick of choking on my introspection that I washed my hands of trying to figure out the motives behind my emotions. The conclusion of your post made me so happy. I wish you all the best as you, well, perfect the art of balancing, I suppose. :)

    ♥

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