4/2/12
Today I noticed most of the snow had melted away in less than a week and
the sun was shining and it was warm and I could feel Spring nearing.
But then, in only a few hours, the snow came back - the skies darkened,
the sun hid, Spring retreated and it snowed yet again. Reminds me of my
mind, of my heart, of me - of all of me. It all happens so quickly. Just
like that from sunny and warm to dark and cold. Oh, but the seasons
will find their balance eventually and the darkness shall step aside and
give room for light! I wonder if I could do that too. There is a need -
a desire for light in me but something keeps my back. I wonder if it’s
me, if the darkness is in me or if it has only fooled me to believe so.
But does it matter which one it is? I don’t think it does. I should
merely let the darkness pass and nevermind about finding its source. I
should stop trying to find answers for questions that cannot be answered
and instead fight against these personal monsters of mine. But it seems
I always end up searching for answers, as if they mattered at all, as
if they were some great solution, some great weapon against the
monsters. What can I say, I’m too curious. I would always rather just
wander around looking around than know exactly where to go and what to
do. It’s not that I like feeling lost - for most of the time I don’t
feel lost, only free. What is being lost to most, is freedom to me, I
suppose. I don’t want to do things, I just want to wander and search and
wonder and learn. I’m yearning for knowledge of things unknown, of
secrets, of something else. Maybe I’ve read too many books and seen too
many films and played too many games and heard about too many things
that are out of this world and have come to long for all of those
things. Maybe that is why I feel so hopeless and lost at times - for I
am longing for things that may not even exist. Maybe some things do
indeed, but most don’t. I don’t know. I’m always dreaming about
different places and different times. I’m too much of a dreamer I guess.
I am a doom-driven dreamer.
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Okay, starting at "I don’t want to do things..." and ending at "for I am longing for things that may not even exist." - that is so true for me, oh my word. I need to write that on my ceiling or something.
ReplyDeleteAt least you're still asking yourself questions. I've stopped, and I don't even fight the monsters. I don't know. I'm sort of a stagnant pond right now (and consequently, don't even care that I am). Spring is quietly making itself at home here, and I think it may be warming me, slowly but surely. I hope so. This rotting is not good.
I hope Spring comes for you soon, in every possible way. I love reading your thoughts, Lena - always. ♥
Haha, do it if you want to! I have actually written down inspirational quotes from people's writings, just to remember and to keep them always with me. You know Minna's 'I'm a sailor not a sinking ship'? I wrote that down in my notebook and also later typewrited it and glued to my other notebook. Of course I gave credit to Minna, like you would do with any quote. I don't think it differs at all from writing down "famous" quotes. A quote is a quote is a quote.
DeleteStrangely, I am. I don't think I ever stop looking for answers. I mean, I've been a lot less self-absorbed lately and haven't been thinking too much and looking back to the past... I've let the ghosts gather dust in their corners. They're still there, of course, but I'm not acknowledging them anymore in that driving-insane way. I used to feel like I was drowning in all of my feelings and thoughts and ghosts but I'm not anymore. I haven not stopped asking questions and looking for answers and fighting the monsters but I have stopped sinking in myself. I care less than before but I still care. Obviously, balance is, if not the solution, a solution. I think I'm slowly but surely getting better. It's like it's growing on its own. A spring inside of me. I hope you start asking questions and looking for answers soon, too. It's a start. I'm sure it's just a phase, we all have those. The rotting shall pass and you shall fight the monsters. Spring must do its magic. ♥
Oh, yes! I do remember that wonderful piece of Minna's! Actually, before I read your reply I started thinking, "You know what? I'm going to start a scrapbook of some kind (on my computer, if not physically), of my favourite pieces by my blogging friends."
DeleteBecause you're totally right: one would write down a favourite quote by a favourite author - why not something equally inspiring by a friend?
Thank you, I do hope so. ♥