an ocean heart

I’m so disappointed in myself. I don't know how to catch up with life. January has been but sleeping my way through most of it. I have always thought that the problem is in the world and that the world is disappointing but now I see that it is only me, that I am the problem. Sure, to be frank, the world is messed up but it has its beauty too. But when its beautiful side fails to make me happy and only makes feel disappointed and depressed, I know. I know it’s me. There are signs everywhere I look, promises of something better, possibilities, chances. But I can’t bear seeing them when I know that I’m only going to let them pass me by.

At the moment I feel depressed, disappointed and hopeless. Yet the not-long-ago-found hope still thrives inside of me, no matter what. I believe I can make things better but I just don't know how. Most of the time it's because I don't know what to do and everything I think of makes me just wonder if any of this matters at all. Say, I think that I maybe I should go to some cafe downtown and read and write and behold people passing by at the street - it sounds like a wonderful idea, something I want to and long to do yet I realize I can't do it because of panic disorder and anxiety, because I let my fears get the best of me. And then there's that I start wondering if anything matters at all and that is there any point is sitting in some cafe all day long? I suppose my freedom is starting to confuse me. I have the possibility of doing whatever I want yet I do absolutely nothing but waste time. I want to do things. I want to live. But I can't do it, can't bring myself to do it. I don't know.

But I'm still trying somehow. The other night I grabbed a sheet paper and some coloured pencils and decided to make a list of things to do in winter. I did come up with a few wonderful ideas such as taking a stroll in the woods, the fields or perhaps down by the river (with a camera of course), cooking or baking something, on a very good day wearing my favourite sweater, curling my hair and putting some lipstick on and taking a notebook, pens, a book and a camera with me in my favourite handbad and heading downtown perhaps to sit in a cafe or in the library, and grabbing a book, making tea, putting a warm sweater on and taking a comfy position in the armchair by the window of my room and reading and drinking tea while listening to birds singing and occasionally glancing at the snowy landscape. That list made me feel better and revived my hope. But I just wonder if any of you have any suggestions? I would love to hear. I have to say though that I feel sort of guilty for having so much freedom and thinking of spending it doing all these wonderful yet almost pointless things when everybody else work hard and study. Yet I feel guilty for not doing these things too. And I know that if I don't start doing these things I'll never get better and used to people and rid of my fears; and that way I can never get a job and start studying.

And yes, this means I'm back. Not making a new blog but continuing here. It's because I missed you all so much and I missed being able to share my words. Lately there's been so many words and I've longed to share them with you. Also, even though I feel embarrassed for being such a failure in life, I want to let you know how I'm doing in getting better and catching up with life, no matter how it is not going the way I wanted.

p.s. I could really use some advide on how to face my fears and finally start doing things and catch up with life by doing those things.