Okay so I want to explain everything a little better now that I have if not the words, at least some words.
I have started recovering from depression. I have not been depressed at all for over a month already. I need to thank B. for this. Without her I wouldn't have ever been able to start my recovery. So thank you so, so much dear. ♥
Because of this I have decided to start anew. I need a new beginning. I need to let go of my past and move on in order to recover fully and become happy. And I'm going to start with my name. I have never felt like I am Jessica, to be honest. Often I feel like I'm not the person I look like either. But I can't really change the way I look, the person I am on the outside. But I'm thinking that maybe it's all because of my name. Jessica stands for my past, my every mistake, the person I used to be, my past feelings and thoughts and wounds - and I need to leave it all behind and let these wounds finally heal. I'm not that Jessica anymore. I'm really not. I hope you understand. I'm starting to feel a little alone on this one but I'm still going to do this, on my own or not. So I'm going to change my name to Lena. I've always liked my second name Alena but I prefer Lena.
So... I'm Lena, nice to meet you. I know, it's totally weird for me too but I really need to do this. I'm going to start anew. I'm going to become a better person, the one I've been hiding all this time.
At some point I'm going to make a new blog. But right now I'm not ready for it and I really don't have time for it either because I'm trying to get my life together. But I hope you understand.
Nice to meet you Lena. That is a beautiful name. :)
ReplyDeleteThis post makes me glad. Such an inadequate word, but true.
Of course I understand. :) Definitely concentrate on making your life whole. We'll be here when you come back to the blogging world. I am wishing all the best to you with all my heart, dear. ♥
Thank you so much dear. ♥
DeleteHello, Lena. I hope everything's beautiful and light at the moment, as you deserve. xx
ReplyDeleteHello, Sarah. Thank you so much dear. ♥
DeleteHi Lena!
ReplyDeleteI've found your writings and photography on internet a few years ago and since then I check your blogs regularly. I love the way you write, I love your photos. You are a great inspiration to me. However I haven't been that active at writing comments.
From the very beginning I've found many similarities between us. The feelings you describe are just like my own. I have gone through loneliness, isolation, the ghost-like feeling, the feeling that you are locked inside your house and your life stays still while time and everything around you are constantly moving toward future. It's like being the victim and torturer at the same time, and it looks like there is little you can do to help it. Then your inner world becomes your hiding place. The place to escape when world around you becomes unbearable, when you just don't fit in and feel constantly disconnected from everything and everyone. You start building walls, the same walls that will keep you locked. But at the time they make you feel more secure. You surround yourself with the things you love, the things that help you maintain that tiny connection with life and being alive. You draw, take photography and write. You try to capture that life around you but it never waits for you. You are always left behind. When school is over you have all the time in the world to make the things you like, the things that make you happy, and at first you like it, since you have achieved that freedom you never had before. But then you realize you are doing nothing with the time you have. Hours, days, months, all they go away and you are doing nothing with your life. We share even the country we live in.
I have gone through all this too, and what amazed me is that I have changed my name too! That happened a year ago, and I have never regretted it. I can't say I am a different person today, but that helped a lot. I desided to create myself again and let my past go. Changing your name is rather unusual thing and you don't see it happening everyday, so this is what amazed me while reading your post.
I never liked my name and never felt it was mine, and since I was 7-10 I have always been dreaming that maybe someday I will change it. But as many things in my life, I kept just dreaming and doing nothing real for it. Then years after that, suddenly I felt ready for it. I knew it was right decision and right time. Now I'm glad I did it.
I wish your new name will help you start everything again.
Hi D!
DeleteThis whole message made me so glad when I first read it. Still does. Thank you so much for you nice words. I can't describe how much it means to be a great inspiration for someone.
It comforts me to know that there is a person a little like me out there, even in the same country, and that someone else has gone through all of this too. Also, the people around me don't quite understand why I'm changing my name although I've explained. It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one though. I'm positive that it will help me in many ways. I'm taking this also as an opportunity to become a better person. I'm trying to be a better person that I've been and trying to shake of my bad habits that I feel like belong to Jessica and not me, Lena.
Anyways, once again thank you so much for this message. It means the world to me.
Hi, Lena. I'm Jia Lu. I hope you enjoy your life everyday.
ReplyDeleteHi, Jia Lu. I hope someday I will be able to do so.
DeleteYou are most welcome. Also, remember that you can email me anytime. I will always, always have time and love to spare for you.
ReplyDeleteNames are so important, and Lena is a stunning one. I wish you the very best of luck in every endeavour. x
I'll keep that in mind. I'm sorry for being so silent but I just haven't been able to write anything. But I will soon.
DeleteThank you so much. x