1/18/12
12/21/11
There is just something about encountering strangers. Sometimes you simply connect with someone - there seems to be some wordless, mutual understanding between two people.
Today I had such meeting with a stranger. I was heading for the sea - for I felt this inexplicable pull to the sea - and was waiting for a bus downtown. The sea is far on the other side of the city so it would take me some time to get there - yet now it would take me even longer because the bus would only travel once an hour. So, I was going to have to spend an hour downtown waiting for the bus to the sea. This alone could have caused a panic attack but I wasn't going to let it happen but be strong. I wandered around for some time but then decided to head to the library. But I didn’t go to the library because it was too far away so I ended up in this small, quiet mall and sat on a bench and started reading (I always carry a book with me). Just when I started reading an old man sat on the opposite bench. This alone caused me anxiety and a slight panic attack. I can not help it, at all. My body reacts differently from my mind. I mean, I had no problem with him. Nevertheless, I fought against it and kept reading. Throughout the time I read there on the bench, this old man sat on the bench across me and, even though I did not look, I knew he was looking at me. Sometimes you need not to look to know that someone is looking at you, you simply know it. I don’t know what went through his mind and why he looked at me but I got this feeling that it was because of the book. You see, unfortunately it is not often that you see a young person, or anyone really, reading a book because they want to nowadays. I wish it weren’t that way but it is what it is. So it only makes sense that this old man should look at me reading a book, and not just that but reading an English book. Perhaps he thought I was foreign. Nevertheless, I had this strange feeling that he enjoyed looking at me reading a book and that it made him happy to see a young person reading. I don’t know, it is just a feeling. But. When I was leaving, just when I got up, our eyes met briefly and I noticed that his eyes were smiling at me. His eyes really were smiling at me. So that made me feel even stronger that it was because of the book. And somehow, I felt this connection between us. He was but a stranger I barely even looked at, but still I felt it. Perhaps it was a mutual love for words that we both shared. I like to believe so, at least. From how long he sat there looking at me and the way his eyes smiled at me, I believe so very much.
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I wrote this the day I went to the sea; the day I wrote that I felt a pull to the sea. It is not often that I actually go somewhere further than the woods nearby where I live - but when it comes to the sea I hardly ever can resist its call. I cannot even begin to describe how much I love the sea. It is the only thing that never fails to make me happy. That day is probably one of the few happiest days of my life as of late. Perhaps that is why I could barely put it in words. I mean, I actually have not yet written about the sea part of the day. Most of the time I cannot seem to write when I'm happy, and about happiness. I don't think it's because I am so used to writing with a melancholy note but because, to me, happiness is such a perfect, pure feeling that I have difficulty finding any words for it, or rather any words that would do justice to it. For as long as I can I cherish the feeling and keep it alive till it is but a memory and then, I finally find the words. Soon enough I shall find the words and immortalize yet another memory.
I'm still feeling a little down. I'm a mess. Going back and forth, I'd say. I've been crying and feeling hopeless because there is simply something too broken inside of me and I can't seem to be able to fix it no matter how I try. Funny, though, how I keep saying something when I know exactly what it is. A lot of things really. A whole lifetime of mess. But once you get to the root of it you should be able to put an end to it, right? Well I haven't. How do you recover from a trauma? For now I realize that it is a trauma from my childhood, the root of this all. I've been thinking about from getting help to reconnecting with God but nothing seems to be just right. I mean, I know it is in me. The key to happiness and the solution is me. So I don't see how anyone else could help when in the end it is up to me and no one else. But I just don't know how to find what I need to find because I don't know what it is. Strength and courage perhaps? Well I don't have those right now. I'm strong and brave enough to keep on trying and not giving up. But I don't have what it takes to take this to a whole another level. Right now I'm doing my best to not give up to depression and to keep the hope alive. It is difficult but I'm strong.
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You, Lena, always shock and amaze me with your inner strength and resolve. I have rarely met such a strong-willed person. But let me tell you this. Hardly anybody, perhaps even nobody, can do these things on their own. You need someone to guide you; we all do. That's why we talk to people when we're upset. We cannot find a solution within ourselves (yes, the solution is there, inside you, but you don't know how or where to find it - you just said so yourself), so we turn to an outside source, another person who can give us guidance, to help us see. That source of help is different for everyone. Some people find help in religion, some in therapy, some in books, etc. But please don't think that you need to do it all on your own.
ReplyDeletePs, I can email you the title of a book that will specifically help you overcome fear, so that you can get on with living life (in response to your previous post), if you'd like me to. It helped me more than I can say.
Oh B, thank you so, so much for these words. Needed to hear them. Perhaps I have been quite foolishly thinking I can do this all by myself. Although it's only natural to me. If there is one thing about me that hasn't changed it is that I am stubborn. It has the possibility of being both good and bad. One good thing about it is that when I truly believe in something and set my mind upon it I know I will not let anything or anyone stop me from doing it. But the bad thing is that often the things I set my mind upon are not so good in the end. Like in this case I have stubbornly set my mind upon surviving on my own. Which while it is good not to depend on other people but know that you can do things without others, it can also be bad just like it now has turned out to be. I suppose I have to admit that sometimes you need others. I will need to think about where I'm going to try and find help first though. It's going to take a lot of thinking.
Deletep.s. I would like that very much.
Oh, and I forgot to say, your background image is STUNNING. x
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU! x
DeleteThe part about the old man made me smile. I love that ephemeral, instant connection that can only happen with strangers. I was infatuated with a stranger once. I certainly don't recommend it, though. But it did keep some demons at bay. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are strong, indeed, and I admire that so much about you.
One thing I have learned is that we do need other people. I am being a hypocrite, though, because this has been terribly hard for me to accept and I'm still not sure I have accepted it fully. But in light of things that have been happening lately, I feel something... is slowly culminating. But this is not about me. Anyhow, I, uh, really have no conclusion to end this on, but... I think you are amazing. Keep searching for the answers. You can beat this. ♥