I’m always looking for something, someone in
everything, everywhere. Always falling in love with something, someone;
in it, them looking for what I can not find in myself. Always longing
for something, someone to hold me, to kiss me, to love me. It could be
that tonight I want to the stars to hold me and kiss me and love me, and
it could be that tomorrow I want someone, a person to do that. All I
know is that I want it. I want to find that something so bad that every
second of the longing aches, that even the thought of it aches. I want
it more than anything it seems, as if it would make everything better
once and for all; as if it were a cure to some disease I have within me
that is eating me away, killing me, not anymore softly but violently. It
is everything. Everything. It is what pulls me down and what lifts me
up. It is the sadness that lingers in the darkest parts of my shadow,
the corners of my eyes, the empty spot in the middle of my heart. It is
the happiness that is planted right into that empty spot in my heart
taking root and growing and blooming.
This longing is like being caught between a rocky shoreline and violent, raging waves. It is a darkness that descends upon me, just like that, in one blink of an eye. I want it so bad. I’m starting to question everything. If in the end everything I do is part of the pursuit of that something, whatever it is. If nothing I do matters at all without it. If I will ever be whole without it. I want it more than I have ever wanted anything. I feel so empty, like something is missing. This feeling consumes me and I wonder if it will ever stop, if I will ever find what I’m looking for.
----
I have found it many times, whatever I’m looking for. I always seem to find it in someone and so I fall in love with them the second I recognize it in them. I fall in love with strangers. I fall in love. But before long I fall out of love because it disappears. It seems to always be moving. Moving too fast for me. I’m ought to catch it but I’m too slow and everything is too far away from my reach anyways. But I can find it. It’s just that I can never reach the people it decides to reside in and before long it disappears. It is something I’m ought to catch but I’m too slow and too far away.
This longing is like being caught between a rocky shoreline and violent, raging waves. It is a darkness that descends upon me, just like that, in one blink of an eye. I want it so bad. I’m starting to question everything. If in the end everything I do is part of the pursuit of that something, whatever it is. If nothing I do matters at all without it. If I will ever be whole without it. I want it more than I have ever wanted anything. I feel so empty, like something is missing. This feeling consumes me and I wonder if it will ever stop, if I will ever find what I’m looking for.
----
I have found it many times, whatever I’m looking for. I always seem to find it in someone and so I fall in love with them the second I recognize it in them. I fall in love with strangers. I fall in love. But before long I fall out of love because it disappears. It seems to always be moving. Moving too fast for me. I’m ought to catch it but I’m too slow and everything is too far away from my reach anyways. But I can find it. It’s just that I can never reach the people it decides to reside in and before long it disappears. It is something I’m ought to catch but I’m too slow and too far away.
Your words have such beautiful delicacy and steel, Jessica. I hope this means your words are no longer trapped inside. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I really hope someday the world will spin at the perfect slow speed, and that something or someone will be right next to you and stay there forever. I would love to see happy, emptiness completely filled. (I know it must feel like an utter impossibility, but I don't believe it is.) <3
It sounds like you have a lot of desire, and I think desire is beautiful and good, as long as it is directed towards what can fulfill us. If it isn't, it's not always easy just to will it away, but to be aware of it and observe it as it passes.
ReplyDeleteFor me, that intense desire was always about other people who would disappoint me, and then it became about God. It might already be God for you, too, I don't know.
Again, personally, when I started to love and desire God, the love I experienced for other people became less dangerously passionate (in terms of that it didn't consume me as much) and that's how I believe I was able to find a person who would love me in return, who also loves God.