Most days feel like this. Like standing in front of the window in my underwear, holding myself, the curtains drawn, looking without really seeing, everything sort of blurred. I feel isolated from the world. I'm too afraid to open the curtains, too afraid to face the world. I like to hide because I'm too weak to try and I'm ashamed of it, of being too weak. Even when I find the courage to open the curtains and see the world as it is, it still somehow feels strange, a strange place. It feels like there's more between me and the world than just a glass window. I'm too weak - I can bear the weight of everything I carry inside but I'm too weak to try.
I've felt this separateness... like you're in the world but very distant from it. And often my daydreams and thoughts get in the way of me using my senses and make me feel especially distant.
ReplyDeleteIt's a struggle, or a practice, depending on how positive I'm feeling that day. Sometimes I don't give myself enough credit though.
I like these pictures. They make the entry even more profound.
Oh goodness, Jessica - you've done it again. Yes, I know these feelings all too well. I am such an observer and I rarely bother to make an effort to un-isolate myself because... well, I'm not exactly sure why. Anyhow, your post is absolutely beautifully expressed; and I agree with Jade: the pictures are a perfect complement.
ReplyDeleteI remember the days when you posted about outside. Now you seem terribly locked inside your own mind, your own room, your own melancholy. I wish it wasn't so. You do not seem at all happy, Jessica. Is this true, or is it mainly for artistic purposes? Message me sometime, I'd like to talk about things.
ReplyDeleteJade - I've probably felt too much and too often this. I feel like I've been distant from the world for years and years. I suppose it is like that, it's not just a feeling. It's been years since I felt like part of the world, even though I've never really felt part of it that much.
ReplyDeleteThank you. The photos actually are what made me write this. I wanted to express what I felt in the photos in words.
Melee - Thank you, dear Melee. I rarely bother to make an effort to un-isolate myself too. I wish I knew why. It won't happen before the isolation starts to become unbearable. It seems I can never do anything about things before they become unbearable. Thank you. Although the words actually complement the photos.
B - Well, those days are way in the past now. I suppose I was happy then but it is merely because I had buried everything so deep inside. I'm not happy. I haven't been for years. I've been depressed for over seven years. I've actually talked about this all in my tumblr and at the end of this (http://anoceanheart.blogspot.com/2011/11/you-have-never-been-open-with-me-or.html:)post and I don't think it's really been a secret or anything. I am locked inside my own mind, my own room, yes, but melancholy I wouldn't say. It's far worse and deeper than melancholy; I'd say I'm locked inside my depression. Also, nothing I do is for artistic purposes. It's always genuinely about myself and my feelings and thoughts and I'm not trying to be anything or do anything artistic. I'm just trying to express myself because it's my only way out.