an ocean heart

Under my eyes slightly bluish half moons are slowly growing a deeper blue. It's as if the staying-awake-till-morning-and-sleeping-through-days has painted them gently with transparent watercolour over the two adjacent lines that already share a home under my eyes. I feel tired, almost exhausted and old. I can't seem get out of this cycle, no matter how I try. I don't know how to stay up during day and how to fall asleep at night. You'd think there was a reason for this all - haunting thoughts or feelings, something - but there isn't. It just happened. Nothing and no one haunts me. I've learned to keep my deepest thoughts and feelings, those that haunt me, hidden deep to keep myself if not happy then at least content. If something or someone haunts me I'm blissfully oblivious to it. That is at least for the time being. I'm afraid soon enough something is going start haunting me yet again and I know exactly who it is.

It's funny how you think you can leave something behind just like that, like I thought I did way back in July in that golden field. I thought I left February behind but fragments of it and him remained within me. Though I did partly leave him behind. When I heard nothing of him after months and realized he wouldn't call or anything I wasn't sad or mad, perhaps slightly disappointed but nevertheless I knew I would survive without him just as much as I would survive with him; he made no difference. After all, I don't rely on other people when it comes to my happiness. But what I didn't know, or at least didn't allow myself to acknowledge, was that the feelings that I had for him never died. They are neither dead or alive. Perhaps buried deep within, some seed that planted in February is slowly rising towards the surface like a sprout in Spring. All it needs is a little warmth, sun and water. And something happened that woke that seed up. It's all because I saw him by chance walking the street while I strolled past him in a bus and not that but the fact that as soon as I saw him I started smiling this stupid smile that I smiled already in February. I don't even know why I did that, I don't know. But there's actually more to it. Only a day after that he called me. That was it. The seed noticed the ground was starting to warm again and it is now determined to grow. And I'm afraid now that I'm going to meet him at some point this week it's going to be both rainy and sunny, a perfect Spring day in my heart. I have to admit it. My heart is starting to wither up and I suppose it's more determined to bring it back to alive than I am. My feelings control me and I not them. Thank God Common Sense stands by me all the time. If there's something I like about myself then it is that I always think before I act. But that worries me a bit too. What if my never-ending use of logic leads to my heart withering for good? What if I never fall in love just because I have too many doubts and look for perfection and think too logically? I'm not... I don't know. I have never been in love, never have loved, I don't partly even believe in love. I don't know. I am a flawed human being and no one can love someone as flawed as I am. No one can carry me when I'm heavy, they can't even walk beside me, just observe from a distance for my heaviness weights others down too. Everything's such a mess. I want to feel love, even if just once, just a little love before my heart withers up. Just a little. That way it would perhaps work. There was something more but I quite lost it before I could grasp it. That's how it is being absent-minded.

I let one thought lead to another and write everything down, it's the only way I am able to think anymore. If it weren't for these words I wouldn't think of any of this. I just have to pour this all out when I can. I'm sorry for such long and personal piece of writing. And that there was really no point to it.