10/5/11
It's so easy to turn off my heart and subdue my thoughts that it should
be a crime. My personal crime. I've done that and now I barely feel like
a human. I forget how it's like to feel so much you wish you had no
heart, how it's like to have so many thoughts creep through your mind
that you wish you had no mind. Sometimes I even forget myself; how I do
things, how my voice sounds, how I look. Not long ago I looked in the
glass and wondered if it's really me; I had forgotten the lines and
features of my face and that my hair is now deep red. I never forget
that my eyes are green though. I've turned off my heart, tucked my
feelings, my emotions deep in the hoard of ribcage and subdued my
thoughts, those in which I know only drive me crazy. I've done it. But I
haven't hid myself wholly. I let my soul be for it never harms me. It
feels good to have only a soul. The world seems more beautiful when you
only see it through your eyes and soul and you no longer have to stick
your feelings in everything and nothing triggers memories and thoughts.
It's like I've reborn and I've a whole new life to build. That is when
it's at its best. But there's more it. As time passes you begin to feel
hollow. You begin to wonder if you ever had feelings and thoughts, if
you ever lived, if you ever felt like a human, if you are a human.
Perhaps a soul is not enough - you might need your heart and mind as
much. And the risk you take with a heart and a mind is worth it in the
end. It's always calm after the storm, they say. And maybe the madness that
is having a heart, a mind and a soul is what makes life beautiful. You have to be a little bit insane to be able to find the hidden beauty of this cruel world.
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Oh, dearest Jessica. ♥
ReplyDeleteThis brings to mind so many of my own struggles. I haven't been able to succesfully shut out my mind or my heart, at least not for very long. Am I happier this way? I just don't know; I wish I did. Yet I've certainly had my share of feeling nothing but hollow...
Though that would explain why I feel so legitimately insane all the time... (*sigh* Tonight is hard; I'm feeling such a mess for some reason. The right words just aren't presenting themselves.)
Oh, dearest Melee, I hope everything's better in the morning. ♥ Words are such incoherent things, sometimes you find the perfect words, sometimes you don't and sometimes words escape you and this all could happen in a single moment. You never quite know.
ReplyDeleteI never knew before that you could honestly shut out your heart or mind. But somehow I did. It happened slowly though, layer by layer. Am I happier this way, I keep asking that too. And I don't know either. Sometimes I feel so hollow that I wish I could have all my feelings and thoughts back at once. Most of the time I just feel content and so far it's been enough. I feel sane and content and in comparison to what I felt last winter, I prefer it this way. Who knows how long this will last anyway. I might as well enjoy it as far as it lasts.