A letter I will never send
When in February I told you in that café about all those things that had broken me in small fragments and then slowly, over the years, reshaped me out of those fragments of shattered glass, I was willing to take the risk of unveiling the curtains of the past once more only because maybe, just maybe you could have been made of shattered glass too. But, because I am a pessimist by nature, it didn’t surprise me when I learned that you were whole, like I would never be. Perhaps I should let you know that it’s fine, and I’m glad you are whole. But you don’t understand, no matter how nice you are, you don’t and it makes miserable. It’s like, to me you are blue skies and sunshine when my only desire is grey skies and rain, or the darkest of nights and the faint light of the moon.
And I know, and you must know it too, that clouds will probably never descend upon you. And even if they someday do, I think it’s going to be too late anyway.
Please, never contact me again. I’m sorry you can’t get your book back.
Me
I think the best letters ever penned are the ones never sent. I love this, but at the same time it makes me sad. (I'm sorry it didn't work out.)
ReplyDeleteI feel at odds often, I'm surrounded by people who are so whole, who don't like to dwell on sadness. It makes me feel lonely, but mostly stand-offish. Maybe someday we'll both find a person (or persons, even) who will know how it feels to be in pieces.
Absolutely agreed. Thanks. (No need to be sorry. I think in some way I never really wanted it to work out. I never want things when they are actually at hand. I'm strange, yes.)
ReplyDeleteI can't even begin to describe how whole people make me feel. God. I really, really hope that someday comes soon.
dear, i have been following you since your blog "the book traveller's diary" or something along those lines. you have such a beautiful and poetic way of writing, and such an honesty with your emotions. beautiful in every way. love, x
ReplyDeleteDear Thea, I'm so glad you still remember me, it's been ages or at least it feels so. Thank you so much for you words. x
ReplyDelete