an ocean heart

Somehow I want everything to be white; for the darkness to set aside and a soft whiteness to fill the perpetual night within me. Let the dying leaves of October forget their waxy yellows and never know the colours of decay; let a whiteness fill them and blind everything in the sunshine that sometimes still peeks from behind the clouds.

Listen to that, it's the wind; colourless and harsh. Never soft-spoken, it whispers to me secrets that I cannot understand in a voice scraping and high pitched. Then it howls and howls and my hair flows wild and my heart becomes restless; but my mind ever dark sets aside every calling of the wind and the moon and the wilderness, for I am not wild, I am not, it insists. Yet my heart for ever tells a different story and even my quiet soul nods in silent agreement; I am wild, the wildest, the liveliest and I'm supposed to live, live, dive in the depths of love for life. But how, how, how? I ask. My feet have grown so weary and I am too afraid to jump and what if?
What if what? 
What if there is nothing there to catch me? If I am never to be caught but left to fall and fall until, until, until...

Forget your fears, somewhere sounds. A voice echoes within me, calling and answering.
Forget your fears and jump. Listen to the wind whispering in your ears, feel its arms close around you as you fall, fall, fall; look and behold the sights you have forgotten and recall again the hidden beauty of life that spreads all around you; and look now, look down and see that there never were a fall but solid ground below your feet; feel the cold earth under your feet and dig your toes in it (for winter is coming) and realize this: as long as you're alive there is life around you and in you and that is enough. It is enough to be alive. You still have a chance to live. Never mind your dark mind and its tricks to lock up your heart and silence your soul. Let the whiteness come to you and fill the void within you; let the night of your mind shine alight with stars and fade to pale whiteness as dawn unfurls and sun peeks from beyond the horizon; learn the secrets of your heart (and the wind) again and heed the quiet words of your soul; for you are alive, alive, alive. Hear this now and read it again and again until you know it by heart. For this is it; your last chance. Take it.

And so... I don't know. Something within me answers my desperate calls and questions and prayers of long years.

Words. Words I have left and they tell me now that this is it. That now is the time to take a chance and... live. I still doubt... But I'm not scared. Not now. Perhaps I will heed these words and read them again and again and learn them by heart. Perhaps this is the turning point of my story, my road, my life. Perhaps here and now I can finally learn which is the way I must go. Long I have stood stock still on this cross-roads, not knowing how to go forward and which path to take. But now I think I know.

I turn nineteen tomorrow and many years have passed since I last felt truly alive. Tired I am and desperate but still a spark of hope is alight in my heart, having somehow survived all these years. These long eight years of darkness that I have been lost; perhaps this is where they come to an end. Perhaps tomorrow starts a new time and years of something better are before me. Only time tells, I suppose.

(This post... I don't know what to say about it. It is something that started from the first sentence coming to my mind and me sitting down to write it - because a voice said that I must, I must write - so I did, I wrote and wrote, letting the words unfurl and weave their secrets and somehow it ended up in this. Perhaps it is a strange piece of writing but it brings hope to me in this time of desperateness. Perhaps this is something, something greater than it seems that will finally help me take that big step over a line I haven't been able to cross. Perhaps.)