This morning, I woke up with a haunting longing inside my heart. Slowly,
reverting from the haze of a dream I lay paralyzed in my bed, a hole
burning in my heart and my tangled thoughts merning into one pitch black
ball. I had dreamt of something as simple as a hug. Nothing out of
the ordinary, you could say. But to me, the intimacy of a hug was the most
extraordinary feeling. It was only a dream, I know, but it felt more
real to me than most days do. And as the haze of the dream faded away
the tangled ball of thoughts cleared and I finally grasped at what the
hole in my heart was. A longing for something as simple as touch was
burning a hole in my heart. A hole deeper than any of the others before.
I can not describe how much I longed for someone to hold me at that
moment, for someone to hold the longing away. It felt so real, so near
and still so far away.
And what haunts me the most is that I
dreamt of friendship with two boys I used to be friends with. They’re
gone now. The other one living his life and the other one… gone, with no
life to live. I can not describe how it felt to hug someone who is
already gone and how it felt so real, so real. And I can not
describe how much I miss him and how much I long for someone to hold me.
I’m so alone, so lonely and touch is as far away as oceans and skies.
There are no words for this feeling that is eating me away, burning a
hole in my heart, merging my thoughts into balls and making the clouds
of my eyes pour out rain. There is only a longing for touch and the
excruciating reality of it being impossible.
I have dreams like that. They trail behind me all day, leaving me sad and dissatisfied.
ReplyDeleteNothings haunts like friendships that have disintegrated. I would give you a hug if I could. <3
P.S. - I was just looking at your flickr, and was struck dumb by your recent update "a question" because that... is exactly how I feel. Tangibly, physically you may be alone... but believe me: intangibly and mentally I am right there beside you. Cold comfort, probably. But true, nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteI love you, I hope you know that. ♥ It's not a cold comfort. Oh no, far from it really. Most people who are physically here are not close to even a cold comfort. Isn't it strange how the kind of friends you've always dreamed of do exist after all but they're just perhaps countries or seas away but nevertheless they're there, right beside you and it's enough.
ReplyDelete