11/23/11

I’m so tired of everything now. I don’t want to exist, I don’t want to die either. Don’t know if I even want to try live anymore. But I have to exist so I exist. Existing is the greatest effort on my part. I wonder if I’ll ever get too tired to make any effort. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish so many things I have stopped wishing. Although sometimes, when I catch the time showing something like 11:11, I wish. I don’t even believe in it but I wish anyway. Just in case. I don’t know when the course of my life will reach a turning point and I don’t know if that turning point will be the end or a new beginning. I don’t know if I’ll get too tired waiting or if I’ll be stronger than I now think. I don’t know if there’ll even be a turning point for me. All I have now is my words and even they are nothing much. I don’t know… There’s too much I don’t know. I can’t possibly write every day; it would be I don’t know after I don’t know after I don’t know. I wonder if my last words will be I don’t know. I don’t know.

2 comments:

  1. MeleeNovember 23, 2011 at 3:42 AM

    I know I almost always respond to your posts, "Oh, I'm so there." But it's always true. And, well... this post - I am so there. I don't know is the phrase that perpetually is on the tip of my tongue and fingers.

    I'm so tired of existing too, though I don't in any way long for death. I don't even anticipate a turning point because I thought I had one, but I'm still the same screwed-up girl. My Bible is covered in dust and I am too weary to pick it up. I just don't know.

    Forgive me; this is a crappy comment.

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  2. LenaNovember 23, 2011 at 4:25 AM

    Melee - Oh no, it's not a crappy comment. You have no idea how much comments mean to me - which means they're never crappy. Though this is a crappy post and a crappy subject and a crappy comment would be only appropriate. But seriously you can't always romanticize things and turn everything into poetry. Life is weary and there's no way around it. Anyways, my point was to thank you for your comment. It always makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one.

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