Merely having a fleeting glance at the world enchants me so that even
when words remain fixed in the depths of my ribcage the world’s beauty
sings softly into a lullaby, a wordless poem, and breaks my heart ever
so. And I tell myself, it’s just fine not to be able to transform that
sweet lullaby to words for I’m certain we all hear it nevertheless and
perhaps not everything is meant to be written down. And perhaps, it is
just fine not to be able to free all those words from the walls of your
heart and just let them take their time and sleep, for their time has
not yet come. It’s fine to sometimes be wordless, right? It’s fine to
behold the melancholic (yes, everything breaks my heart, more or less)
beauty of world even if I won’t transform it to words and write it
down, right? I just feel like I should transform all sights and sounds
and tastes and feelings; moments - to words and write them down and fill
dozens of journals with them, because otherwise I might forget and they
might turn into ghosts and I’d be left only with shadows and I’d have
to wonder if any of those things were real after all. And it aches so
deeply to have words form yet not be able to put them together like
puzzle pieces and even when capable I can’t let them break free.
And
right now I can’t transform anything into words, I only hear songs
ringing softly in my ears. And while the world keeps echanting me,
there’s no beauty in my life whatsoever, nothing worth writing about.
And I’m not sure of what to do. Should I open a few closed doors and
pour out the last of those left-behind-feelings? March just feels so far
away now and all those feelings are buried and mostly faded. But I need
something to write about. I need someone to come and turn my
insignificant life upside down and love me (and eventually break my heart).
Please, anything. Depression has locked me inside this house even
though I feel mostly happy; it just won’t let me be happy and have a
life. I’m not strong enough. It keeps me somehow chained even when my
mind and heart are free of its tricks.
